Pencil in Hand # 6

A night with Charlene.

Languidly, I strolled through the clouded streets with only the thought of you on my mind. Yesterday, as I left your place, I remember whispering to myself, loud enough for you to hear, that I had finally found something worth living for. I bet that you remember hearing me too but you'll never admit to it. We'll just keep that secret between the both of us, underneath the cool of our individual pillows. Nothing quite like this could have been expected. Matter of fact, nothing quite like this should have ever happened. I mean, what are the odds? The way it happened remains as mysterious as the way it will unfold. I've never felt so accompanied as when I walk the streets alone thinking about you. Yeah, it's a funny type of thing that way. Call it a lover's paradox. I remember my buddy, Jackson, telling me about it once. He said, in his own unique way of saying things, that you'll never feel more in the presence of something divine then when you're in love. Mind you, these words come from that same man that told me once to run if I even smelt the faint odour of love around the corner. But, I was never one to run away, anywhere. Except perhaps in your case I can make an exception and run right into your arms. That is, if they'll be so kind as to welcome me one more time. Within a couple of days, my and hopefully your life as changed for the better. Shit, tell me one thing. What the hell where you doing there anyway? I mean, I know what it is that you were doing there but tell me something – what was you doing there, anyway? You dig? It ain't everyday that I make my way into one of those establishments. I'm a lonely man, lonely enough to keep to myself and forgo any attempts at establishing superficial contact with the outside world. My dog and me have lived a happy life together up, until now. I go to work, I come home, he acts surprised every time I walk through my front door, in turn giving me the love I, with all honesty, expected from him when I got him. But you know what's so damn great about it...he means it. I see his tail wagging and knowing that it wags for me, well shit, that's enough to make any lonely man feel a little less lonely. You dig? But you, you ain't got no tail to wag around. However, you do have that contagious smile that brightens the very core of my heart. Makes me feel appreciated. As if, I mean something more than just pushing certain designated buttons in this world. I see you sometimes and I have to take a moment in order to fully understand that moment. You dig? Matter of fact, sometimes I think to myself that we ought to quit this thing right now so as to not spoil it. 'Cause I've seen what can happen. Lovers begin with love only to shape that love into a hateful contract. Resentment, bitterness, hostility, lies, abandonment and the list goes on. Is that what I've got to look forward to? Because if so, I'd rather end this thing right now. Nip it in the bud so that I can save myself a heartache that I never intended on getting in the first place. I don't mean to sprinkle some pessimistic reality on our hot dish but sometimes a little spice burns for a reason. You dig? Man, what made you look at me that way? Was it pity? Because if it was, don’t you worry, I’m all to familiar with that look. I think that's the first look my old man gave me when I popped out of my momma's oven. Doctor said “It's a boy” and my Pops' only answer was, “I guess”. You might wonder how I know that. Well, it's simple enough, he told me that story until the day I finally decided to get the hell out of that house. I said to him, “Pops I'm going and probably never coming back. I might see you around then. Bye, Pops.” His only reply was, “I guess”. Didn't even make sense in the context of what I was trying to tell him but at that point he knew just how much I hated hearing those words that he'd just say them to me as another way of saying “fuck off”. Yeah well, I guess that's enough for the warming family stories. Just how did you and I become you and I? Shit, I'm sorry, are we even you and I? Or, am I just putting you with I before I know you want to be with I? Man, sometimes I'd just be better off keeping thoughts like that to myself and I. Well, I'll be dreaming of you tonight. Dreaming about our first dance. Mind you, you did most, if not all, of the dancing, but I'll pretend that we were somewhere else than at your place of work. I'll imagine us in a forest somewhere dancing to the sound of a soft wind caressing the orange, yellow, and red autumn leaves. You dig? Just let me know how much I owe and I'll come by tomorrow to pay you. Take it easy, Charlene.